(Revised Annotation 4) The crime of adultery: a way to make people take family responsibility seriously

In marriage, love is not the only thing, but responsibility plays a significant role. Many people use love as an explanation to defend themselves when they have an affair, which makes extramarital affair becomes a sanctuary for true love. However, is it reasonable to betray your spouse because of love? Furthermore, when the crime of adultery is repealed, is there any other method for the cheated people to remember their family obligation?

According to a reporter called Hsi Hsia, “If you don’t love your spouse anymore, please be brave to get divorce, and then you can pursue the relationship without the restriction of marriage.” Some people do not have the courage to get divorce even if they think their marriages are dull. They want to maintain the marriage but still cannot give up those outside lovers. From Hsi Hsia’s viewpoint, it is alright for you to have sexual liberty if you were not married. She agrees that nobody have the right to interfere under unmarried situation. However, she opposes sexual liberty in marriage, because it’s unfair to your family and spouse. Marriage and family means responsibility. She wrote that “do not take repealing adultery as an excuse to satisfy your own sexual desire.” It’s an extremely irresponsible behavior.

If the crime of adultery was abolished, people might think having an affair is legitimate. They will ignore and try to escape the responsibility they should take. Moreover, Affair that is short of self-examination might cause more domestic violence and will accelerate the breakdown of family. The reason why European countries and the USA stand for abolishing the crime of adultery is that their laws have well protection for women from different aspects, but in Taiwan, we don’t. Our Civil Law is not perfect enough to compensate the abandoned partner. “It’s better to revise Civil Law from the aspects of child custody or couple property before we argue this issue (Shu Ying Huang, 2002).” What’s more, different countries have different cultures, is it really appropriate to follow others’ step without considering our cultural background? “In the present Taiwanese society, law may not be effective, but if the law does not exist (the crime of adultery), the situation will be worse (Shu Ying Huang, 2002).” Therefore, we should not abolish this law, which keep the minimum ethical standard in the society.   

In conclusion, both legal sanctions and ethical restriction are indispensable methods to prevent the widespread affairs. As soon as you get married, you don’t have the right to reject fulfilling family obligation. And considering our cultural background, it’s not proper to repeal the crime of adultery before the Civil Law is revised.   

Source:

H. Hsia (January, 2002). Liberating the sexual desire, but how about the responsibility? China Times.

Retrieved from:

http://intermargins.net/repression/deviant/Marriage/adultery/articles/2002Jan-Jun/20020114a.htm

S. Y. Huang (January, 2002). Should women worry about the abolishing crime of adultery?

Retrieved from:

http://intermargins.net/repression/deviant/Marriage/adultery/articles/2002Jan-Jun/20020116a.htm

(Revised Annotation 3) The punishments for the crime of adultery

Adultery is still regarded as a crime in most countries. Therefore, if you have an affair, you not only betray your spouse and hurt your family but also offend against the law, which means that you will receive punishments.

  Here are some laws from different countries. In Article 239 of the Criminal Code in Republic of China, “people who have been married have sexual intercourse with third person shall be condemned to fixed-term imprisonment of not more than 1 year, and the third person has the same punishment.” In others East Asian countries like North Korea, South Korea and Japan, adultery has been a crime for many years. And in Philippines, adultery is a crime for sure in the general penal laws, moreover, even a man cohabits with a woman who is not his wife is also regarded as a crime in their Revised Penal Code. According to the Indian law, “a man will be sentenced for up to five years if he has sex with a woman without her husband’s approval (Adultery. Wikipedia).” If you commit adultery in Muslim countries, for example, Saudi Arabia, Sudan and Somalia, you will face the cruel penalty: stoning to death.

  Although there are some of the social organizations promote that this law should be abolished like in Europe or some of the states in United State, an opinion poll conducted by Ministry of Justice still shows that “there are 82% people oppose this idea, also, there are 86% people think that it’s reasonable that the cheated person need to be punished by the Criminal Code. Even if the revised Civil Law will compensate the abandoned partners, 77% people still left to stand for the opposition.” We can see that people considered this law as a protection for the abandoned people and also a preservation of family and marriage. At least, it’s a moral support from government and a method for the abandoned partner to fight back and gain compensation.

  The reason why the crime of adultery should not be abolished is that it may cause promiscuity. The situation of having an affair is common in Taiwan now even if this law exists. Can you imagine how serious this problem will be if it was abolished? It’s just like if the fine for exceeding the speed limit rescind, the car accidents caused by driving above the speed limit will increase.   

  If adultery is accepted, why there are still many countries have punishments for this behavior? Therefore, extramarital affair is unacceptable and the law is a safeguard to protect the right of the abandoned partner.

Source:

1.  Ministry of justice (June, 2013) According to the results of opinion poll, most of the people reserve their comments about abolishing the crime of adultery.

Retrieved from:

http://www.moj.gov.tw/ct.asp?xItem=309266&ctNode=34622

2.   Adultery.Wikipedia.

Retrieved from: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adultery

Transcription 2

Okay, I’m…standing on the opposing side.

In my annotation 3 & 4, I mainly focus on the law problems which are related to adultery…adultery. First, I will…I’m going to tell you the pu…umm…the punishments for adultery in many…in different countries. First is Taiwan, according to the article 2… 239 in criminal code, umm…the cheated people and the outside lover will both be punished, and the maximum sentence is a year. In others East Asian countries like South Korea, North Korea, or Japan, adultery has been a crime for many years as well. And in India, if a man…umm…has…umm…if a man… a man will be sentenced for up to five years if he has sex with a woman without her husband’s approval. The most cruelest punishment is in Muslim countries, if you commit au…adultery, you will be stoning to death. (pause)Umm …If adultery is accepted, why there are still many countries have punishments for this behavior? The function of this law is not just to punish the cheated people, it is also a method for us to remind…umm…remind not to forget the family obligation. The author wants us to understand that love is not the only thing in marriage, but obligation and duty is…also…also play an important role. Umm…According to a reporter called Hsia His, and she said that “If you don’t love your spouse anymore, please be brave to get divorce, and then you can pursue the relationship without the restriction of marriage.” She also mentioned that people who are not married have sexual liberty. It is alright if you’re not married, you have the sexual liberty, but when you are married, you can’t have sexual liberty, because it is unfair to your spouse and to your family. (pause)umm… a controversial issue recently is that should we abolish the crime of adultery in Taiwan? According to an opi…opinion poll conducted by Ministry of Justice still shows that there are 82% people oppose this idea, also, there are 86% people think that it’s reason… reasonable to punish the cheated people by the Criminal Code. This survey shows that people in Taiwan regard the law as a protection for the abandoned partner or for family, at least, it’s a moral support from government, and also a method for the abandoned partners to fight bact…fight back and gain compensation. Umm…please think this way, the situation…the situation of having an affair in Taiwan is common now even if this law exists, umm… can you imagine how serious this problem will be if the law was abolished? It’s really horrible. And it’s just like the speed limit on the highway. If there was no speed limit on highway, I think many of you will drive really fast, right? So, if adultery was abolished, people might think having affairs is legitimate. They will ignore and try to escape the responsibility they should take. Moreover, umm…affair…more…affair that is short of self-examination might cause more domestic violence. And if adultery is not a crime anymore, we may…we may face the problem of promiscuity 性氾濫. (pause) And then I will talk about the reason why European countries and the USA stand for abolishing this crime. Umm…It’s because in Euro…in Euro…in Europe and the USA they have well protection for the abandoned partners. But in Taiwan, we don’t. Our Civil Law is not perfect enough to compensate the abandoned partner. And also different countries have different cultures. Is it really appropriate to follow other’s step without considering our own cultural background? In conclusion, both legal sanctions and ethical restriction are indispensable methods to prevent the spread affairs. As soon as you get married, you don’t have the right to reject fulfilling the obligation ...umm fulfilling the family obligation. And considering to our own cultural background, it’s not proper to abolish this crime. Thank you. 
Professor: Okay. Questions and answers section. Anyone?

Claire: Okay.

Tim: I want to make comment. I think rather than to abolish law against adultery, furthermore, why we shouldn’t dismantle the marriage institution? Because marriage institution…I want to response to Claire, you say, if you want sexual liberty, why do you just out of the marriage? But,many legal rights is attached to the identity, and our marriage system is discriminalize…is discriminate the person who enter…who are not enter this system. So, and marriage…marriage and family…marriage, family and nation is conspired with each other, and act in a way to exploitation of labor. Not labors from the workers and from domestic worker. Thank you.

Claire& I: Thank you.

Professor: Maybe you can assign one or two to ask you questions.

Claire: Do you have any question? (pause) Or you can give comment.

Vivian: Umm…I want to ask Claire, because you support abortion, and…

Claire: Adultery.

Vivian: Adultery. (laughing) adultery. Do you have any premise for committing adultery?

Professor: Or condition. Under which condition

Claire: it usually happens when a couple’s marriage is not happy. And…and when it comes to adultery’s positive effects, not means the…the couple wants to solve problems, but they want to get divorced, so they choose adultery.

Vivian: And why don’t they just get divorced?

Claire: Because there are so many reasons like kids. If you get divorced, you cannot…you cannot expect…you cannot imagine your kids will be, like in the future, your kids may take drugs or umm…become so…become so bad, and you can get controlled of them. So, it you don’t get divorced, you can take care of them. That is one of the reasons. There are so many many reasons.

Cassie: I want to ask Claire your point of view because…umm oh, I want to, first of all, I want to express that your way to interact with audience is very good. Because more attention on your presentation. But…umm…it seems that your resources is kind of limited to some religion or countries so I want to ask you about…umm…what’s your…umm…opinion about the adultery in Taiwan because Taiwan in Taiwan, some of the adulteries seem to not relate to religion or adultery problems, just like umm…a person want to have other relationship.

Claire: I have…I have seen a news recently, umm…. A news that the commisioner of culture 文化部長龍應台 She has talked about, umm… when she talked to foreigners, umm…she felt embarrassed because…ah when they are talking about the laws of adultery. And I think decriminalizing adultery laws is a trend. Umm… in these developed countries because they focus on individual thinking. Umm…Maybe for their government, adultery just individual business. Yes.

Professor: You can cite the words at the beginning.

Claire: oh okay.

Professor: Like Cassie’s suggestion.   

Annotation 4 The crime of adultery: a way to make people take family responsibility seriously

In marriage, love is not the only thing, but responsibility plays a significant role. Many people use love as an explanation to defend themselves when they have an affair, which makes extramarital affair becomes a sanctuary for true love. However, is it reasonable to betray your spouse because of love? Also, when the crime of adultery is repealed, is there any other method for the cheated people to remember their family obligation?

According to Hsi Hsia(2002), “If you don’t love your spouse anymore, please be brave to get divorce, and then you can pursue the relationship without the restriction of marriage.” Some people do not have the courage to get divorce even if they think their marriages are dull. They want to maintain the marriage but still cannot give up those outside lovers. From Hsi Hsia’s viewpoint, it is alright for you to have sexual liberty if you were not married. She agrees that nobody have the right to interfere under unmarried situation. However, she opposes sexual liberty in marriage, because it’s unfair to your family and spouse. Marriage and family means responsibility.

She wrote that “do not take repealing adultery as an excuse to satisfy your own sexual desire.” It’s an extremely irresponsible behavior.

If the crime of adultery was abolished, people might think having an affair is legitimate. They will ignore and escape the responsibility they should take. Moreover, Affair that is short of self-examination might cause more domestic violence and will accelerate the breakdown of family. The reason why European countries and the USA stand for abolishing the crime of adultery is that their laws have well protection for women from different aspects, but in Taiwan, we don’t. Our Civil Law is not perfect enough to compensate the abandoned partner. “It’s better to revise child custody or couple property in Civil Law before we argue this issue (Shu Ying Huang, 2002).” What’s more, different countries have different cultures, is it really appropriate to follow others’ step without considering our cultural background? “In the present Taiwanese society, law may not be effective, but if the law does not exist (the crime of adultery), the situation will be worse (Shu Ying Huang, 2002).” Therefore, we should not abolish this law, which keep the minimum ethical standard in the society.   

Both legal sanctions and ethical restriction are indispensable methods to prevent the spreading affairs. As soon as you get married, you don’t have the right to reject fulfilling family obligation. And considering our cultural background, it’s not proper to repeal the crime of adultery before the Civil Law is revised.   

Source:

Hsi Hsia (January, 2002). Liberating the sexual desire, but how about the responsibility?

http://intermargins.net/repression/deviant/Marriage/adultery/articles/2002Jan-Jun/20020114a.htm

Shu Ying Huang (January, 2002). Should women worry about abolishing crime of adultery?

http://intermargins.net/repression/deviant/Marriage/adultery/articles/2002Jan-Jun/20020116a.htm

Annotation 3: The law problems you need to face if you commit adultery

  Adultery is still regarded as a crime in most of the countries. Therefore, if you have an affair, you not only betray your spouse and hurt your family but also against the law, which means that you will receive punishments.

  Here are some laws from different countries. In Article 239 of the Criminal Code in The Republic of China, people who have married have sexual intercourse with third person shall be condemned to fixed-term imprisonment of not more than 1 year, and the third person has the same punishment as well. In others East Asian countries like North Korea, South Korea and Japan, adultery has been a crime for many years. And in Philippines, adultery is a crime for sure in the general penal laws, moreover, even a man cohabits with a woman who is not his wife is also regarded as a crime in their Revised Penal Code. According to the Indian law, a man will be sentenced for up to five years if he has sex with a woman without her husband’s approval. If you commit adultery in Muslim countries, for example, Saudi Arabia, Sudan and Somalia, you will face the cruel penalty, stoning to death.

  Although there are some of the social organizations promote that this law should be abolished like in Europe or some of the states in United State, an opinion poll conducted by Ministry of Justice still shows that there are 82% people oppose this idea, also, there are 86% people think that it’s reasonable that the cheated person need to be punished by the Criminal Code. Even if the revised Civil Law will compensate the abandoned partners, 77% people still left to stand for the opposition. We can see that people considered this law as a protection for the abandoned partners and also a preservation of family and marriage. At least, it’s a moral support and a method to fight back and gain compensation.

  The reason why the crime of adultery should not be abolished is that it may cause promiscuity. The situation of having an affair is common in Taiwan now even if this law exists. Can you imagine how serious this problem will be if it was abolished? It’s just like if the fine for exceeding the speed limit rescind, the car accidents caused by driving above the speed limit will increase.   

  If adultery is accepted, why there are still many countries have punishments for this behavior? Therefore, extramarital affair is unacceptable and the law is a safeguard to protect the right of the abandoned partner.

Source:

1.    Ministry of justice (June, 2013) According to the results of opinion poll, most of the people reserve their  comments about abolishing the crime of adultery.

       Retrieved from:

       http://www.moj.gov.tw/ct.asp?xItem=309266&ctNode=34622

2.     Wikipedia

        Retrieved from:

        http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adultery

Reflection

Claire＆I:

The way we find our sources is quiet interesting. Actually, both of us felt a little perplexed when we were finding the sources, so we went to the library together, taking a look at the main points of all the books which are related to affairs, and then each of us borrowed five books back to read further. And the most difficult part when we were searching the information online is inputting key words and finding proper article. In fact, we searched and read the searching results randomly, though we did have a general direction for what we were going to write, so I thought the method for finding the useful and appropriate information you want needs patient and a little fortune. However, I did not read the authors’ detailed background first after I decided to use their articles as my annotations. Therefore, when professor asked me the information about the authors like where they are from or what their occupations are, I could not answer precisely.

In my annotation 1, I wrote about different  loss which the abandoned partners need to suffer, for example losing self-identity or losing contact with others. And the annotation 2 was the hurt to children like parents' affairs would make them no longer believe in love. Our annotation 3 is going to write about the law of extramarital affair. I will do some researches on the punishment for adultery in Taiwan, and maybe I can compare it with foreign laws. Claire will try to find some countries or states which plan to legalize adultery, for example, Colorado. And about the annotation 4, we have not decided what to write so far. Professor suggested us to find some sources from scholar, which means that the information needs to be more academic, so I think Claire and I have to discuss deeply.    

I am really lucky to have Claire as my partner. Because of my poor grammar, Claire often willing to point out my mistakes and then helped me correct them. As for feedback, I will tell her where might be easily misunderstanding in her articles.

Justine＆Joselin:

Their annotations have talked about premarital cohabitation from different angles such as age, culture, economic ability and so on. And there is a point which is worth to argue is that they both found a source about economic ability to support their ideas, but the results were contradictory under the same condition. Therefore, they decided to discuss this problem in their third annotation.

Eva＆Vicky:

  Their topic is arguing that if you have a partner already, you will still allow your partner to watch adult video or not. It is a very interesting and attractive issue, and the sources they used were from famous people like洪蘭 and the professor at NCU, Chuen-Juei Ho, which would make their research be more credible. Professor also suggested them to discuss their topic from different angles, for example, the restriction of pornography in America and Europe.

(Revised) Annotation 2: Say no to affairs if you don't want to hurt your children

In my annotation one, I have talked about the mental damages which the abandoned partners need to suffer when their spouses having affairs, and this time I will discuss the influences to children. Most of the people focus on the influences which are caused by the divorce, thinking that if they don’t get divorce, children won’t be hurt. This is not totally the truth. The truth is that at the moment when kids face the affairs, the damages have already done, and whether getting divorce or not, these harms will affect kids’ life in the future.

“Parents who have affairs often deceiving themselves about the impact their infidelity can have on their offspring.” What’s more, parents often pretend that they can cover up all the truth. But in fact, children are very sensitive. They will know there is something wrong between their parents, even though they don’t actually understand what happen. Therefore, if you are perfunctory to explain the truth to them or cannot give them a proper explanation fit in their age, as children grow up, they will feel that their parents have been unfaithful to them as well. 

The author thinks that the direct damage is changing kids’ attitude to love and the relationship between couple. They no longer believe in love or always take a doubtful attitude to it. Here are some real examples, “I still find it hard to trust my boyfriend when he is late, not with me or doesn’t answer his phone…it’s as if disaster is always waiting in the wings and he is going to leave me.” “My son, who’s married, once asked me if I thought infidelity might be in his genes because of the fact his father was serially unfaithful.” Also, a mother said that “Her adult children find it hard to trust and respect their father because he lied to them as children and still denies he had an affair with the women to whom he’s now married.” All these reflections show that parents’ affairs make children feel insecure in love. Some of them will even be hostile to the opposite gender and might use affair as a method to hurt their spouses in the future marriage.

It’s inevitable that when affair is exposed, both parents will feel anxious and angry, that’s why they often forget to think of the stress which children have to shoulder. The worst situation is forcing children to take sides. “By tearing a child’s loyalty in two, parents will inflict profound damage.” Especially for those abandoned partners, they will eager to find some support from children console their hurts or to fight against their spouses. Even if this behavior is reasonable, it still has many side effects. The obvious one is that it might enable one of the parents to lose contact with their offspring after they separate.

In conclusion, do not think that affair is only a matter between you and your spouse. It’s related to your whole family and will cast unfading shadow in their mind. So, please say no to affairs if you don’t want to hurt your family.

Source:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2313246/How-ruin-childs-chance-happy-love-life-Have-affair--damage-WORSE-older-stray.html

(Revised) Annotation 1: Losing yourself after you find you are losing your spouse

The author lists different kinds of sense of loss which the people will experience after they find their spouses have an affair.

    First is losing self-identity. They will keep thinking “I don’t know who I am anymore.” In the past, they might regard themselves as friendly, warm, humorous and capable people, but now they’ll think they have hundreds of disadvantages like jealous, sensitive, lose control easily or want to revenge all the time. Why they will have these kinds of feelings is that the anger blinds their eyes, so they cannot find the true self in their mind.

Second is losing the feeling of being cherished. The abandoned partners will regard themselves as something like trash which can be thrown away at any time. Also, they might think they are special to their spouses before, but suddenly realize they are not the only special one in their spouses’ life.

Third is losing control of mind and body. For example, although it’s really painful to think of the scenes of your spouse and his/ her lover together, they still keep emerging into your mind frequently, which will drive you crazy and affect the sleeping quality. And the distrust to your spouse often make you do something impulsive like cannot stop checking all his/her stuff like the pockets of his jackets, car, bag and so on. What’s more, some of the abandoned partners will over dieting or exercising in order to make themselves look more attractive just because they want to find their pride back in front their spouses.

Forth is losing contact with others. “Who can I trust?” The shame and self-abased always make them think that everyone is remarking about them. Therefore, they’ll be afraid to go outside and connect with people. Besides, whether telling parents and children or not will keep troubling them. Also, they will have doubt that if their friends can keep this secret. All these reasons make the abandoned partners abase themselves from the people.

Fifth is losing the will to live. It’s not surprise that people will commit suicide if he/she loses the ability to live or cannot find someone to love or being love. And this is the worst reflection to the affairs.

Once you cheat on your spouse, it means that he/she not only have to suffer the pain of losing you but also losing himself/herself. A survey shows that there are 70% of people will suffer melancholia for many years after they find their spouses having affairs. And we can see that most of the abandoned partners will think that it’s all their faults to let their spouses cheat. Therefore, we should let those who try to rationalize affairs understand the exactly pain their spouses will have and their temporary excitement might hurt their families forever.

Source:

J. A. Spring ＆ M. Spring (1998). After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful. p 16 – p 42

The transcript of presentation of annotation 2

Ok, I’m the one who cannot accept extramarital affairs. In my annotation one, I have talked about the…umm…mental damages which the abandoned partners need to suffer when their spouses having affair, and this time I will discuss the influences to the children. Most of the people …umm… focus on the influences…which are caused by divorce, and…and thinks that if they don’t get divorce, their children won’t be hurt. But the author thinks this is not totally the truth. The truth is that…umm…at the moment when kids know their parents have an affair…have an affair…,the damages have already done, and it doesn’t matter… whether getting divorce or not, so these harms will affet..affect kid’s future… life in their future.

Umm…Some parents who have affairs… often deceiving themselves about the impact their infidelity can have on their children. What’s more, they..umm..they…they often think that they can cover up all the truth. But in fact, children are very sensitive. They will know there is something wrong between their parents, even though they don’t understand...they don’t actually under…understand…what happened. For example, they will wondering why...umm…daddy and mommy fight every day? Or… why daddy always come home late? Um…or… why they don’t seems to love each other like before? Therefore, if you are perfunctory to explain the truth to them or cannot… give them …an appropriate…appropriate explanation according to their age, when they grow up, they will think…umm…their parents… have been unfaithful to them as well.(pause)

And the direct damage that caused by parents’ affair is that…it can change the kid’s attitude to love and the relationship between couple. They…no longer believe in love and…or you can say they hold a doubtful att…attitude to it.(pause)…umm…here I will read some real responses by those…children whose parents have…ah…whose parents have affairs: “I still find it hard to trust my boyfriend when he is late, not with me or doesn’t answer his phone. I feel like he’ going to leave me at anytime.” And another one is a mother talking about his son, “My son, who’s married, once asked me if I thought infidelity might be in his genes because of the fact that his father was se…serial…serially…unfaithful.” Also, a mother said that “Her adult children find it hard to trust and respect his father because he lied to them and still denies he had an affair with the women to whom he now…he’s now married.” (Pause)…all these reflections show that parents’ affair…umm… make children feel insecure in love. Some of them will even be hostile to the opposite gender…and might use affair as a method to hurt your spouse in their future marriage.

Besides, it’s inevitable that both parents will feel anxious and on…umm and angry if the affair is exposed. So that’s why they often forgot to think of the stress which children need to shoulder. The worst situation is forcing children to take sides. By tearing child’s loyalty in two, umm…parents will inflict the profound damage. Especially for those abandoned partners, they will eager to find some support from their children to console their hurts and want to fight…fight against their spouse. Umm…even if this behavior is reasonable, but it still have many side effects. The obvious one…is that one of the partner will lose contact with their children after they separate.

   So, do not think affair is only a matter between you and your spouse. It’s related to the whole family…and will cast…and will cast unfading shadow in their mind. So, please say no to affairs if you don’t want to hurt your family. Thank you.  

Annotation 2: Say no to affairs if you don't want to hurt your children

In my annotation one, I talked about the mental damages which the abandoned partners need to suffer when their spouses having affairs, and this time I will discuss the influences to the children. Most of the people focus on the influences which are caused by divorce, thinking that if they don’t get divorce, children will not be hurt. This is not totally the truth. The truth is that at the moment when kids face the affairs, the damages have already done, and whether getting divorce or not, these harms will affect kids’ life in the future.

“For parents who have affairs are not only lying to their partners, they often deceiving themselves about the impact their infidelity can have on their offspring.” Children are very sensitive. They will know that there is something wrong between their parents, even though they don’t actually understand what happen. Therefore, if you are perfunctory to explain the truth to them, as children grow up and understand what affair is, they will feel that their parents have been unfaithful to them as well. 
  

The direct damage is changing kids’ attitude to love and the relationship between couple. They no longer believe in love or always hold a doubtful attitude to it. Here are some real examples, “I still find it hard to trust that when my boyfriend’s late or not with me and doesn’t answer his phone…it’s as if disaster is always waiting in the wings and he’ going to leave me.” “My son, who’s married, once asked me if I thought infidelity might be in his genes because of the fact his father was serially unfaithful.” Also, a mother said that “Her adult children find it hard to trust and respect their father because he lied to them as children and still denies he had an affair with the women to whom he’s now married.” All these reflections show that parents’ affairs make children feel insecure in love. Some of them will even be hostile to the opposite sex and might use affair as a method to hurt their spouses in the future.

It’s inevitable that when affair is exposed, both parents will feel anxious and angry, that’s why they might forget to think of the stress which children need to shoulder. The worst situation is forcing children to take sides. “By tearing a child’s loyalty in two, parents can inflict profound damage.” Especially for those abandoned partners, they will eager to find some support from children to fight against their spouses and console their hurts. Although this behavior is reasonable, it has many side effects. The obvious one is that it enables one of the parents to lose contact with their offspring if they separate.

Do not think that affair is only a matter between you and your spouse. It’s related to your whole family and will cast unfading shadow in their mind.

Source:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2313246/How-ruin-childs-chance-happy-love-life-Have-affair--damage-WORSE-older-stray.html

Annotation 1: Losing yourself after you find out you are losing your spouse

The author lists different kinds of sense of loss which the people will experience after they find their spouses have an affair.

First is losing self-identity. They will keep thinking “I don’t know who I am anymore.” In the past, they might regard themselves as friendly, warm, humorous and capable people, but now they’ll think they have hundreds of disadvantages like jealous, sensitive, lose control easily or want to revenge all the time. Because the anger blinds their eyes, they cannot find the true self in their mind. What’s more, the suspicion to themselves might drown them to death.

Second is losing the feeling of being cherished. The abandoned partners will regard themselves as something like trash which can be thrown away at any time. They might think they are special to their spouses before, but suddenly realize they are not the only special one in their spouses’ life.

Third is losing control of the mind and body. For example, although it’s really painful to think of the scenes of your spouse and his/ her lover together, they still keep emerging into your mind frequently, which will drive you crazy and affect the sleeping quality. Also, you cannot stop checking all his/her stuff like bills, pockets of his jackets, car, bag and so on. The distrust to your spouse enables your behavior become impulsive. Some of the abandoned partners will over dieting or exercising in order to make themselves more attractive and find their pride back in front their spouses.

Forth is losing contact with others. “Who can I trust?” The shame and self-abased enable you to think that everyone is remarking about you. Therefore, you’ll be afraid to go outside and connect with people. Besides, whether telling parents and children or not will be a big trouble for you. Also, you might not want to become a burden for your friends, moreover, you will have doubt that if your friends will keep the secret or not. All these reasons make the abandoned partners abase themselves from the people.

Fifth is losing the will to live. It’s not surprise that people will commit suicide if he/she loses the ability to live or cannot find someone to love or being love. This is the worst reflection to the affairs.

Once you cheat on your spouse, it means that he/she not only have to suffer the pain of losing you but also losing himself/herself. We can see that most of the abandoned partners will think that it’s all their faults to let their spouses cheat. “I think we are intimate with each other, but obviously it’s all my imagination.” There is a survey shows that most of the people will suffer melancholia for many years after they find their spouse having an affair. Do people who try to rationalize affairs really understand how painful their spouses will be? Do they know that their temporary excitement might hurt their families forever?

Source:

珍妮斯．史普林＆麥克．史普林(1998).外遇的男女心理:如何走出創傷與重建信任 p16~p42

Should Extramarital Affairs Be Accepted?

How to define extramarital affair? Generally speaking, it refers to a person who is married has a relationship with someone else. No matter that relationship is emotional or sexual. For me, I cannot accept extramarital affairs. Although nowadays affairs are accepted by people who believe in some advantages of this behavior, I still don’t think it works.

Once you have an affair, it means you lie, betray, and fail to keep your promise to your partner. As far as I am concerned, if someone wants to start a new relationship, he or she must get divorced immediately. I cannot tolerate the betrayal or compromise to any excuse, especially for the excitement.  

 There are a few examples indicating that after finding out his/ her spouse has an affair, instead of leading to a marriage and family crisis, their relationship becomes better than before . However, happy ending seldom exists. The fact is that most of the couples are forced to face lots of serious household problems after affairs are exposed.

There are some reasons below why extramarital affairs should not be accepted. Needless to say, affairs violate social morals, and sometimes against the laws. We don’t have to doubt that the person who has an affair will be condemned harshly by most people. Further, marital infidelity shows that you don’t respect your partner, marriage and the vows you took before. As soon as your partner finds you cheat, it is inevitable that the divorce problem will appear. Even if you choose to forgive him/her, both of you still have a hang-up between each other, and the sense of trust might not be recovered forever. What’s more, it probably will be mentioned all the time in every conflict, which would make your marriage worse. Besides, another significant damage is that children suffer as well. They are the most innocent victims, and can be easily hurt if they live under a poor marriage or dysfunctional family. That is the reason why many couples choose to bear the terrible situation rather than getting divorced. And does anybody think of the other woman or man? He/ She might also be harmed because he/ she has no idea that person is married.

 A married person has responsibility and obligation to take care of his/her family. If everyone does not intend to take marriage as a serious thing, it would become a meaningless existence. Therefore, the behavior of having an affair should never be accepted and forgiven.

Source:

http://www.indiaparenting.com/relationships/article.cgi?art_id=34

http://www.ehow.com/info_8028762_causes-extramarital-affairs.html