Should Extramarital Affairs Be
Accepted?
Emily Su
National Central University
Abstract
Nowadays, having an affair seems to become a common
situation. Even so, I still insist that this behavior is immoral and
unacceptable. This paper will give you many reasons why this behavior should
not be accepted from ethical and legal aspects. The ethical aspect mainly
focuses on the mental damages which the abandoned partners and children need to
suffer. The legal part will discuss the crime of adultery in different
countries and then further arguing that whether this law should be abolished or
not. I will utilize information from people who are in different profession,
such as clinical psychologist, author, reporter and president of sisterhood in
order to support my point.
Should Extramarital
Affairs Be Accepted?
How to
define extramarital affair? Generally speaking, it refers to a person who is
married in a relationship with someone else. No matter that relationship is
emotional or sexual. For me, I cannot accept extramarital affairs. Although
nowadays affairs are accepted by people who believe in, I still don’t think it
works.
Once you
have an affair, it means you lie, betray, and fail to keep your promise to your
partner. As far as I am concerned, if someone wants to start a new
relationship, he or she must get divorced immediately. I cannot tolerate the
betrayal or compromise to any excuse, especially for the excitement.
There
are a few examples indicating that after finding out his/ her spouse has an
affair, instead of leading to a marriage and family crisis, their relationship
becomes better than before. However, happy ending seldom exists. The fact is
that most of the couples are forced to face lots of serious household problems
after affairs are exposed.
There are
some reasons below why extramarital affairs should not be accepted. Needless to
say, affairs violate social morals, and sometimes against the laws. We don’t
have to doubt that the person who has an affair will be condemned harshly by
most people. Further, marital infidelity shows that you don’t respect your
partner, marriage and the vows you took before. As soon as your partner finds
you cheat, it is inevitable that the divorce problem will appear. Even if you
choose to forgive him/her, both of you still have a hang-up between each other,
and the sense of trust might not be recovered forever. What’s more, it probably
will be mentioned all the time in every conflict, which would make your marriage
worse. Besides, another significant damage is that children suffer as well.
They are the most innocent victims, and can be easily hurt if they live under a
poor marriage or dysfunctional family. That is the reason why many couples
choose to bear the terrible situation rather than getting divorced. And does
anybody think of the other woman or man? He/ She might also be harmed because
he/ she has no idea that person is married.
A married person has responsibility and obligation to take care of
his/her family. If everyone does not intend to take marriage as a serious
thing, it would become a meaningless existence. Therefore, the behavior of
having an affair should never be accepted and forgiven.
The Sense of Loss Which
the Abandoned Partners Need to Suffer
Spring and Spring (1998) list different kinds of sense of loss
which the people will experience after they find their spouses have an affair.
First is losing self-identity. They will keep thinking “I don’t
know who I am anymore.” In the past, they might regard themselves as friendly, warm,
humorous and capable people, but now they’ll think they have hundreds of
disadvantages like jealous, sensitive, lose control easily or want to revenge
all the time. The reason why they will have these kinds of feelings is that the
anger blinds their eyes, so they cannot find the true self in their mind.
Second is losing the feeling of being cherished. The abandoned
partners will regard themselves as something like trash which can be thrown
away at any time. Also, they might think they are special to their spouses
before, but suddenly realize they are not the only special one in their
spouses’ life.
Third is losing control of mind and body. For example, although
it’s really painful to think of the scenes of your spouse and his/ her lover
together, they still keep emerging into your mind frequently, which will drive
you crazy and affect the sleeping quality. And the distrust to your spouse
often make you do something impulsive like cannot stop checking all his/her
stuff like the pockets of his jackets, car, bag and so on. What’s more, some of
the abandoned partners will over dieting or exercising in order to make
themselves look more attractive just because they want to find their pride back
in front their spouses.
Fourth is losing contact with others. “Who can I trust?” The shame
and self-abased always make them think that everyone is remarking about them.
Therefore, they’ll be afraid to go outside and connect with people. Besides,
whether telling parents and children or not will keep troubling them. Also,
they will have doubt that if their friends can keep this secret. All these
reasons make the abandoned partners abase themselves from the people.
Fifth is losing the will to live. It’s not surprising that people
will commit suicide if he/she loses the ability to live or cannot find someone
to love or being love. And this is the worst reflection to the affairs.
Once you cheat on your spouse, it means that he/she not only have
to suffer the pain of losing you but also losing himself/herself. A survey
shows that there are 70% of people will suffer melancholia for many years after
they find their spouses having affairs. And we can see that most of the
abandoned partners will think that it’s all their faults to let their spouses
cheat. Therefore, we should let those who try to rationalize affairs understand
the exactly pain their spouses will have and their temporary excitement might
hurt their families forever.
The Hurt to Children
After the abandoned partners, we are going to discuss the hurt to
children. Most of the people focus on the influences which are caused by the
divorce, thinking that if they don’t get divorce, children won’t be hurt. This
is not totally the truth. The truth is that at the moment when kids face the
affairs, the damages have already done, and whether getting divorce or not,
these harms will affect kids’ life in the future.
According to Figes (2003), “Parents who have affairs often
deceiving themselves about the impact their infidelity can have on their
offspring.” What’s more, parents often pretend that they can cover up all the
truth. But in fact, children are very sensitive. They will know there is
something wrong between their parents, even though they don’t actually
understand what happen. Therefore, if you are perfunctory to explain the truth
to them or cannot give them a proper explanation fit in their age, as children
grow up, they will feel that their parents have been unfaithful to them as
well.
Figes thinks that the direct damage is changing kids’ attitude to
love and the relationship between couple. They no longer believe in love or
always take a doubtful attitude to it. Here are some real examples, “I still
find it hard to trust my boyfriend when he is late, not with me or doesn’t
answer his phone…it’s as if disaster is always waiting in the wings and he is
going to leave me.” “My son, who’s married, once asked me if I thought
infidelity might be in his genes because of the fact his father was serially
unfaithful.” Also, a mother said that “Her adult children find it hard to trust
and respect their father because he lied to them as children and still denies
he had an affair with the women to whom he’s now married.” All these
reflections show that parents’ affairs make children feel insecure in love.
Some of them will even be hostile to the opposite gender and might use affair
as a method to hurt their spouses in the future marriage.
It’s inevitable that when affair is exposed, both parents will
feel anxious and angry, that’s why they often forget to think of the stress
which children have to shoulder. The worst situation is forcing children to
take sides. “By tearing a child’s loyalty in two, parents will inflict profound
damage.”(Figes, 2013) Especially for those abandoned partners, they will eager
to find some support from children console their hurts or to fight against
their spouses. Even if this behavior is reasonable, it still has many side
effects. The obvious one is that it might enable one of the parents to lose
contact with their offspring after they separate.
Therefore, do not think that affair is only a matter between you
and your spouse. It’s related to your whole family and will cast unfading
shadow in their mind. So, please say no to affairs if you don’t want to hurt
your family.
The Punishments For the
Crime of Adultery.
Adultery is still regarded as a crime in most countries.
Therefore, if you have an affair, you not only betray your spouse and hurt your
family but also offend against the law, which means that you will receive
punishments.
Here are some laws from different countries. In Article 239 of the
Criminal Code in Republic of China, “people who have been married have sexual
intercourse with third person shall be condemned to fixed-term
imprisonment of no more than 1 year, and the third person has the same
punishment.” In others East Asian countries like North Korea, South Korea and
Japan, adultery has been a crime for many years. And in Philippines, adultery
is a crime for sure in the general penal laws. Moreover, even a man cohabits with
a woman who is not his wife is also regarded as a crime in their Revised Penal
Code. According to the Indian law, “a man will be sentenced for up to five
years if he has sex with a woman without her husband’s approval (Adultery.
Wikipedia).” If you commit adultery in Muslim countries, for example,
Saudi Arabia, Sudan and Somalia, you will face the cruel penalty: stoning to
death.
Although some of the social organizations promote that this law
should be abolished like in Europe or some of the states in United State, an
opinion poll conducted by Ministry of Justice still shows that “there
are 82% people oppose this idea, and there are 86% people think that it’s
reasonable that the cheated person need to be punished by the Criminal Code.
Even if the revised Civil Law will compensate the abandoned partners, 77%
people still left to stand for the opposition.” We can see that people
considered this law as a protection for the abandoned people and also a
preservation of family and marriage. At least, it’s a moral support from the government
and a method for the abandoned partner to fight back and gain compensation.
The reason why the crime of adultery should not be abolished is
that it may cause promiscuity. The situation of having an affair is common in
Taiwan now even if this law exists. Can you imagine how serious this problem
will be if it was abolished? It’s just like if the fine for exceeding the speed
limit rescind, the car accidents caused by driving above the speed limit will
increase.
If adultery is accepted, why many countries still have punishments
for this behavior? Extramarital affair is unacceptable and the law is a
safeguard to protect the right of the abandoned partner.
The Crime of Adultery:
A Way to Make People Take Family Duty Seriously.
In marriage, love is not the only thing, and responsibility plays
a significant role. Many people use love as an explanation to defend themselves
when they have an affair, which makes extramarital affair becomes a sanctuary
for true love. However, is it reasonable to betray your spouse because of love?
Furthermore, when the crime of adultery is repealed, is there any other method
for the cheated people to remember their family obligation.
According to a reporter called Hsi Hsia, “If you don’t love
your spouse anymore, please be brave to get divorce, and then you can pursue
the relationship without the restriction of marriage.” Some people do not have
the courage to get divorce even if they think their marriages are dull. They
want to maintain the marriage but still cannot give up those outside lovers.
From Hsi Hsia’s viewpoint, it is alright for you to have sexual liberty if
you were not married. She agrees that nobody has the right to interfere under
unmarried situation. However, she opposes sexual liberty in marriage, because
it’s unfair to your family and spouse. Marriage and family means
responsibility. She wrote that “do not take repealing adultery as an excuse to
satisfy your own sexual desire.” It’s an extremely irresponsible behavior.
If the crime of adultery was abolished, people might think having
an affair is legitimate. They will ignore and try to escape the responsibility
they should take. Moreover, Affair without self-examination might cause more
domestic violence and will accelerate the breakdown of family. The reason why
European countries and the USA stand for abolishing the crime of adultery is
that their laws have well protection for women from different aspects, but in
Taiwan, we don’t. Our Civil Law is not perfect enough to compensate the
abandoned partner. “It’s better to revise Civil Law from the aspects of child
custody or couple property before we argue this issue.” (Shu Ying Huang, 2002)
What’s more, different countries have different cultures, is it really
appropriate to follow others’ step without considering our cultural background?
“In the present Taiwanese society, law may not be effective, but if the crime
of adultery does not exist, the situation will be worse.”(Shu Ying Huang, 2002)
Therefore, we should not abolish this law, which keeps the minimum ethical
standard in the society.
Both legal sanctions and ethical restrictions are indispensable
methods to prevent the widespread affairs. As soon as you get married, you
don’t have the right to reject fulfilling family obligations. And considering
our cultural background, it’s not proper to repeal the crime of adultery before
the Civil Law is revised.
Conclusion
The behavior of
having an affair will not only hurt your spouse and children but also violate
the law. In marriage, you need to shoulder the family responsibilities and
cannot have sexual liberty. If this behavior becomes accepted, marriage will
lose its value. And the crime of adultery is a method to protect the value of
marriage and the victims. Therefore, when adultery is not a crime anymore, people
will think this behavior is legitimate and will try to escape the family
obligations they should take. What’s more, the Civil Law
in Taiwan so far does not have well protection for the abandoned partner and
family. As a result, I insist that this is an unacceptable behavior, and I also
oppose the idea of abolishing the crime of adultery.
References
Adultery. Retrieved December
3, 2013 from Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/
H. Hsia (January, 2002). Liberating the sexual desire, but
how about the responsibility? China Times. Retrieved from:
http://intermargins.net/repression/deviant/
Marriage/adultery/articles/2002Jan-Jun/20020114a.htm
J. A. Spring ＆ M. Spring (1998). After the Affair: Healing the
Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful. p 16 – p 42
Kate Figes (April,
2013). How to ruin your child’s chance of a happy love life: Have an affair-
and the damage is worse the older they are when you stray. Retrieved from: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2313246/How-ruin-
childs-chance-happy-love-life-Have-affair--damage-WORSE-older-stray.html
Ministry of justice (June, 2013). According to the results of
opinion poll, most of the people reserve their comments about abolishing the
crime of adultery. Retrieved from: http://www.moj.gov.tw/ct.asp?xItem=309266&ctNode=34622
S. Y. Huang (January, 2002). Should women worry about the
abolishing crime of adultery? Retrieved from: http://intermargins.net/repression/deviant/Marriage/
adultery/ articles/2002Jan-Jun/20020116a.htm
