(Revised) Annotation 2: Say no to affairs if you don't want to hurt your children

In my annotation one, I have talked about the mental damages which the abandoned partners need to suffer when their spouses having affairs, and this time I will discuss the influences to children. Most of the people focus on the influences which are caused by the divorce, thinking that if they don’t get divorce, children won’t be hurt. This is not totally the truth. The truth is that at the moment when kids face the affairs, the damages have already done, and whether getting divorce or not, these harms will affect kids’ life in the future.

“Parents who have affairs often deceiving themselves about the impact their infidelity can have on their offspring.” What’s more, parents often pretend that they can cover up all the truth. But in fact, children are very sensitive. They will know there is something wrong between their parents, even though they don’t actually understand what happen. Therefore, if you are perfunctory to explain the truth to them or cannot give them a proper explanation fit in their age, as children grow up, they will feel that their parents have been unfaithful to them as well. 

The author thinks that the direct damage is changing kids’ attitude to love and the relationship between couple. They no longer believe in love or always take a doubtful attitude to it. Here are some real examples, “I still find it hard to trust my boyfriend when he is late, not with me or doesn’t answer his phone…it’s as if disaster is always waiting in the wings and he is going to leave me.” “My son, who’s married, once asked me if I thought infidelity might be in his genes because of the fact his father was serially unfaithful.” Also, a mother said that “Her adult children find it hard to trust and respect their father because he lied to them as children and still denies he had an affair with the women to whom he’s now married.” All these reflections show that parents’ affairs make children feel insecure in love. Some of them will even be hostile to the opposite gender and might use affair as a method to hurt their spouses in the future marriage.

It’s inevitable that when affair is exposed, both parents will feel anxious and angry, that’s why they often forget to think of the stress which children have to shoulder. The worst situation is forcing children to take sides. “By tearing a child’s loyalty in two, parents will inflict profound damage.” Especially for those abandoned partners, they will eager to find some support from children console their hurts or to fight against their spouses. Even if this behavior is reasonable, it still has many side effects. The obvious one is that it might enable one of the parents to lose contact with their offspring after they separate.

In conclusion, do not think that affair is only a matter between you and your spouse. It’s related to your whole family and will cast unfading shadow in their mind. So, please say no to affairs if you don’t want to hurt your family.

Source:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2313246/How-ruin-childs-chance-happy-love-life-Have-affair--damage-WORSE-older-stray.html

(Revised) Annotation 1: Losing yourself after you find you are losing your spouse

The author lists different kinds of sense of loss which the people will experience after they find their spouses have an affair.

    First is losing self-identity. They will keep thinking “I don’t know who I am anymore.” In the past, they might regard themselves as friendly, warm, humorous and capable people, but now they’ll think they have hundreds of disadvantages like jealous, sensitive, lose control easily or want to revenge all the time. Why they will have these kinds of feelings is that the anger blinds their eyes, so they cannot find the true self in their mind.

Second is losing the feeling of being cherished. The abandoned partners will regard themselves as something like trash which can be thrown away at any time. Also, they might think they are special to their spouses before, but suddenly realize they are not the only special one in their spouses’ life.

Third is losing control of mind and body. For example, although it’s really painful to think of the scenes of your spouse and his/ her lover together, they still keep emerging into your mind frequently, which will drive you crazy and affect the sleeping quality. And the distrust to your spouse often make you do something impulsive like cannot stop checking all his/her stuff like the pockets of his jackets, car, bag and so on. What’s more, some of the abandoned partners will over dieting or exercising in order to make themselves look more attractive just because they want to find their pride back in front their spouses.

Forth is losing contact with others. “Who can I trust?” The shame and self-abased always make them think that everyone is remarking about them. Therefore, they’ll be afraid to go outside and connect with people. Besides, whether telling parents and children or not will keep troubling them. Also, they will have doubt that if their friends can keep this secret. All these reasons make the abandoned partners abase themselves from the people.

Fifth is losing the will to live. It’s not surprise that people will commit suicide if he/she loses the ability to live or cannot find someone to love or being love. And this is the worst reflection to the affairs.

Once you cheat on your spouse, it means that he/she not only have to suffer the pain of losing you but also losing himself/herself. A survey shows that there are 70% of people will suffer melancholia for many years after they find their spouses having affairs. And we can see that most of the abandoned partners will think that it’s all their faults to let their spouses cheat. Therefore, we should let those who try to rationalize affairs understand the exactly pain their spouses will have and their temporary excitement might hurt their families forever.

Source:

J. A. Spring ＆ M. Spring (1998). After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful. p 16 – p 42

The transcript of presentation of annotation 2

Ok, I’m the one who cannot accept extramarital affairs. In my annotation one, I have talked about the…umm…mental damages which the abandoned partners need to suffer when their spouses having affair, and this time I will discuss the influences to the children. Most of the people …umm… focus on the influences…which are caused by divorce, and…and thinks that if they don’t get divorce, their children won’t be hurt. But the author thinks this is not totally the truth. The truth is that…umm…at the moment when kids know their parents have an affair…have an affair…,the damages have already done, and it doesn’t matter… whether getting divorce or not, so these harms will affet..affect kid’s future… life in their future.

Umm…Some parents who have affairs… often deceiving themselves about the impact their infidelity can have on their children. What’s more, they..umm..they…they often think that they can cover up all the truth. But in fact, children are very sensitive. They will know there is something wrong between their parents, even though they don’t understand...they don’t actually under…understand…what happened. For example, they will wondering why...umm…daddy and mommy fight every day? Or… why daddy always come home late? Um…or… why they don’t seems to love each other like before? Therefore, if you are perfunctory to explain the truth to them or cannot… give them …an appropriate…appropriate explanation according to their age, when they grow up, they will think…umm…their parents… have been unfaithful to them as well.(pause)

And the direct damage that caused by parents’ affair is that…it can change the kid’s attitude to love and the relationship between couple. They…no longer believe in love and…or you can say they hold a doubtful att…attitude to it.(pause)…umm…here I will read some real responses by those…children whose parents have…ah…whose parents have affairs: “I still find it hard to trust my boyfriend when he is late, not with me or doesn’t answer his phone. I feel like he’ going to leave me at anytime.” And another one is a mother talking about his son, “My son, who’s married, once asked me if I thought infidelity might be in his genes because of the fact that his father was se…serial…serially…unfaithful.” Also, a mother said that “Her adult children find it hard to trust and respect his father because he lied to them and still denies he had an affair with the women to whom he now…he’s now married.” (Pause)…all these reflections show that parents’ affair…umm… make children feel insecure in love. Some of them will even be hostile to the opposite gender…and might use affair as a method to hurt your spouse in their future marriage.

Besides, it’s inevitable that both parents will feel anxious and on…umm and angry if the affair is exposed. So that’s why they often forgot to think of the stress which children need to shoulder. The worst situation is forcing children to take sides. By tearing child’s loyalty in two, umm…parents will inflict the profound damage. Especially for those abandoned partners, they will eager to find some support from their children to console their hurts and want to fight…fight against their spouse. Umm…even if this behavior is reasonable, but it still have many side effects. The obvious one…is that one of the partner will lose contact with their children after they separate.

   So, do not think affair is only a matter between you and your spouse. It’s related to the whole family…and will cast…and will cast unfading shadow in their mind. So, please say no to affairs if you don’t want to hurt your family. Thank you.  

Annotation 2: Say no to affairs if you don't want to hurt your children

In my annotation one, I talked about the mental damages which the abandoned partners need to suffer when their spouses having affairs, and this time I will discuss the influences to the children. Most of the people focus on the influences which are caused by divorce, thinking that if they don’t get divorce, children will not be hurt. This is not totally the truth. The truth is that at the moment when kids face the affairs, the damages have already done, and whether getting divorce or not, these harms will affect kids’ life in the future.

“For parents who have affairs are not only lying to their partners, they often deceiving themselves about the impact their infidelity can have on their offspring.” Children are very sensitive. They will know that there is something wrong between their parents, even though they don’t actually understand what happen. Therefore, if you are perfunctory to explain the truth to them, as children grow up and understand what affair is, they will feel that their parents have been unfaithful to them as well. 
  

The direct damage is changing kids’ attitude to love and the relationship between couple. They no longer believe in love or always hold a doubtful attitude to it. Here are some real examples, “I still find it hard to trust that when my boyfriend’s late or not with me and doesn’t answer his phone…it’s as if disaster is always waiting in the wings and he’ going to leave me.” “My son, who’s married, once asked me if I thought infidelity might be in his genes because of the fact his father was serially unfaithful.” Also, a mother said that “Her adult children find it hard to trust and respect their father because he lied to them as children and still denies he had an affair with the women to whom he’s now married.” All these reflections show that parents’ affairs make children feel insecure in love. Some of them will even be hostile to the opposite sex and might use affair as a method to hurt their spouses in the future.

It’s inevitable that when affair is exposed, both parents will feel anxious and angry, that’s why they might forget to think of the stress which children need to shoulder. The worst situation is forcing children to take sides. “By tearing a child’s loyalty in two, parents can inflict profound damage.” Especially for those abandoned partners, they will eager to find some support from children to fight against their spouses and console their hurts. Although this behavior is reasonable, it has many side effects. The obvious one is that it enables one of the parents to lose contact with their offspring if they separate.

Do not think that affair is only a matter between you and your spouse. It’s related to your whole family and will cast unfading shadow in their mind.

Source:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2313246/How-ruin-childs-chance-happy-love-life-Have-affair--damage-WORSE-older-stray.html