The author lists different kinds of sense of
loss which the people will experience after they find their spouses have an
affair.
First is losing self-identity. They will
keep thinking “I don’t know who I am anymore.” In the past, they might regard
themselves as friendly, warm, humorous and capable people, but now they’ll
think they have hundreds of disadvantages like jealous, sensitive, lose control
easily or want to revenge all the time. Because the anger blinds their eyes,
they cannot find the true self in their mind. What’s more, the suspicion to
themselves might drown them to death.
Second is losing the feeling of being
cherished. The abandoned partners will regard themselves as something like trash
which can be thrown away at any time. They might think they are special to
their spouses before, but suddenly realize they are not the only special one in
their spouses’ life.
Third is losing control of the mind and
body. For example, although it’s really painful to think of the scenes of your
spouse and his/ her lover together, they still keep emerging into your mind
frequently, which will drive you crazy and affect the sleeping quality. Also,
you cannot stop checking all his/her stuff like bills, pockets of his jackets, car,
bag and so on. The distrust to your spouse enables your behavior become
impulsive. Some of the abandoned partners will over dieting or exercising in
order to make themselves more attractive and find their pride back in front
their spouses.
Forth is losing contact with others. “Who
can I trust?” The shame and self-abased enable you to think that everyone is
remarking about you. Therefore, you’ll be afraid to go outside and connect with
people. Besides, whether telling parents and children or not will be a big
trouble for you. Also, you might not want to become a burden for your friends, moreover,
you will have doubt that if your friends will keep the secret or not. All these
reasons make the abandoned partners abase themselves from the people.
Fifth is losing the will to live. It’s not
surprise that people will commit suicide if he/she loses the ability to live or
cannot find someone to love or being love. This is the worst reflection to the
affairs.
Once you cheat on your spouse, it means
that he/she not only have to suffer the pain of losing you but also losing
himself/herself. We can see that most of the abandoned partners will think that
it’s all their faults to let their spouses cheat. “I think we are intimate with
each other, but obviously it’s all my imagination.” There is a survey shows
that most of the people will suffer melancholia for many years after they find
their spouse having an affair. Do people who try to rationalize affairs really
understand how painful their spouses will be? Do they know that their temporary
excitement might hurt their families forever?
Source:
珍妮斯．史普林＆麥克．史普林(1998).外遇的男女心理:如何走出創傷與重建信任
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